I’ve been studying the life of David. In the past, like everybody else, I’ve been horrified at David’s mistakes – from beg to end, every single one of them. However, now I’m amazed at David’s ability to remain steady, even though he was a sinner as much as I am. Think of it… the man was chased, hungry and homeless for many years, and still did not rise up in anger against the man who wanted to KILL him. Sometimes David quit, but he lasted a lot longer than I ever would. Sometimes now, with only a few little pressures, I feel like I want to quit. I’m sooo much weaker than David.
And this feeling of weakness and darkness was overwhelming. I felt so hopeless. I hate staring at my own darkness b/c I feel like I’m choking. I was crying out to God for help, and that’s when I realized that God created me with certain depths of needs – emotional, spiritual, etc. I’ve often thought my needs were specially deep sometimes, and the more time I spend seeking God, the more holes in my heart I encounter. These unfulfilled desires led me to have a lot of darkness in my heart. I have a lot of darkness in my heart. I feel so totally hopeless and weak against God’s standard of holiness.
But I understood that God created me weak, or perhaps a better phrasing would be “with a real deep God-gap in my heart.” This way, if the greater the hunger, or the darkness, or the weakness, then the greater revelation of God’s love and beauty I have ‘room’ to receive.
This was a bit encouraging, but I still felt suffocated by my darkness. HOW CAN WEAKNESS BE SO STRONG??? And then I remembered, “I am dark but lovely!” What a pleasant thought! What an escape, a way where there is no way!
I remember my teenage years. I loved the Lord and I was zealous. I love Him tenderly but when I slipped I felt like the worst person alive. I couldn’t bear the weight of my own shame. It was so hard. I wanted to follow the 1st commandment, but I limped so much. But now I know better, for even the [zealous] youth shall become weary, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength like the eagle and soar.
